one step forward and

i haven't been posting lately because i feel like i've fallen behind.
that's the funny thing about failing to do something,
instead of getting the intensely tugging feeling that there is so much to do or say;
(because there is so, much one can say)

you settle for just failing some more.

i have good intentions, i believe, most of the time.
but lately as i've been sitting down preparing to write you a chock-full, well deserved account of life as it's been, i get distracted by others.

others, whose writing, and thoughts and entirely beautiful, beings seem to have so much fullness.
and my life seems...
dull.

not dull, but almost as if i am rushing over the tops of waves, with my toes not even touching, not even being whetted by the slightest splashing, of what is beneath me, in front of me, all around me, running on and on and on underneath me.

and it's that water that's important.

but you can't add meaning to something, by wishing for the meaningful. and i doubt those others, with their beautiful thoughts and lives, see their lives as beautiful.

i read their lives as stories.



i miss learning,
i miss school,
i miss being interested in things,
i miss feeling intrigued
i miss struggling to finish papers.
(well, i miss the feeling of finishing after a struggle)
i'm feeling tired of now,
i guess you can't really miss the future.
i guess the future is never really missing.
MIA
but i feel like the now, is out of place.